he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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