she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
