I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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