and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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