Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
