My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
