she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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