Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
