I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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