mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
