I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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