i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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