This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
