My hand turned me down
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
