we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
