You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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