At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
