I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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