Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
