so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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