like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
