she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
