my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
