can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
