the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
