Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
