I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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