Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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