just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
