So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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