I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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