My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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