I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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