I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
