maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
