I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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