last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
