wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
