So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
