just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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