Someone shit on the floor
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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