Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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