mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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