No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
