I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
