Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
