I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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