If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
