yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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