if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You need Xanax blowdarts
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
