Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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